Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
