I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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