We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
