its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
