Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
