what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
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I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
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I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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