i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
