It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
