Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
