Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
