so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
