The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
