I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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