I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
