I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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