It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
