I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
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Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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