I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
