you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
