I wish I could punch you in the face.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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