I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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