she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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