umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
