I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
