i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
