Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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