At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
