I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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