Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
