I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
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boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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