had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
