3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Randomize
