Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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