And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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