i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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