hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
