If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Randomize
