I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
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I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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