I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Randomize
