I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
