There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
