i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i dont even know how to be here
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
