I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
