Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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