my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
