can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
