Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
