Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
