So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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