God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
