So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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