apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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