her vagina looked like bernie madoff
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I think I have vodka in my lungs
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
