My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
