All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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