I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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