drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
