I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
