Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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