OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
