my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
